Creating my Creativity

Where to begin?  I am a 30 year old woman, a Texan by birth, who has just begun a "new" life in San Diego, California.  I had been needing a change, an adventure, if you will.  I needed something to wake me up from this, sort of, hibernation I had been in for the past couple of years.  It seemed everything I had planned on doing, or being, in my life hadn't come to fruition.

It took me 10 years to graduate from college.  This is embarrassing, to say the least.  I'll just say this...  There was a boy (isn't there always?) that I fell in love with in high school. After graduating, we moved away from home (Dallas) to a small, flat, west Texas desert town.  We attended community college together.  I stuck with it and he didn't.  That pattern continued throughout our relationship.  Needless to say, we married and divorced.

I continued with college in the evenings, while working a full-time job and eventually got accepted to, and graduated from, Southern Methodist University (a bit of a culture shock, having come from a small community college).   It was 2008 (yup, a full 10 years since I graduated from high school), and now I had my Bachelor of Social Science.  My original plan was to apply to SMU's Law School, but the more thought I gave it, the less appealing that particular career path seemed.  In fact, it scared me.

I thought, "OK, so I've wanted to be an attorney since I started college.  Why am I having my doubts now?  Am I going through some sort of quarter-life crisis? What will I do for a career?"

I failed to mention that I married a second time (and, yes, this one happens to be a keeper).  My husband was completely supportive of my sudden indecision, telling me that there were many things which I was excellent at, and that  this would only provide me an opportunity to explore these talents more.  I thought back to my fifth grade teacher, Ms. Russo.  At my fifth grade graduation, she presented me with an award for excellence in writing, telling the entire fifth grade and the attending parents, “Remember this name… Jessica Wesley.  She is sure to be a famous writer one day!”  This was undoubtedly one of my most pride-filled moments.

Now I’m not saying my writing is quite what she hoped it would be (this blog may be case in point), but I still enjoy it.  My point in mentioning the story of my treasured award is this; I was always AFRAID my writing wouldn't be good enough.  I would read books and think, "I could never write like this!" So, I stopped writing. 

Instead, of becoming a high powered attorney or the world renowned author that dear, sweet Ms. Rousseau believed I would become, I took a mid-level job in marketing, which was tolerable at best.  Slowly, my indecision about my life’s path began to metamorphosize into depression.  Not knowing what I wanted to do with my life meant I had no direction... Not having any direction meant I was LOST, and this terrified me. 

In December of 2010, my Nana got very sick.  Her kidneys were failing and Doctors were saying it was only a matter of time.  The whole family flew out to San Diego to be with her on her last Christmas.  I made a second trip (my work allowed me to telecommute during this time) to help my grandfather with my Nana's ever worsening condition.  Before my Nana died, I promised her that I would take care of my grandfather.  I wasn't exactly sure how I would make this work, given that I was married and living in Texas, but I knew I had to do it.  My grandparents had always done so much for me, emotionally, spiritually, financially; truly, every way one can imagine.  

My husband and I had often talked about moving somewhere new (kind of starting over fresh) and this, in a strange way, served as that opportunity.  So here we were taking this leap of faith, and believe me, it was an ENORMOUS leap.

By April we had sold our house and moved to San Diego to live with my very spry, but lonely, 92 year-old grandfather.  My husband received a transfer with his work, but I would have to find a job.  It's been exactly three weeks and 2 days, since we've lived here, and though I take great pleasure in helping my grandfather through this difficult time, and though Southern California weather is stellar, it hasn't tempered my feeling of being LOST in life.

So rather than succumb to the depression caused by being unemployed and my uncertainty of  direction, today I asked myself, "What can you do?"   The answer that came surprised me... "I can learn to play the guitar!"

OK... That's a little weird, right?  Not really.  I then asked myself, "Why learn to play the guitar now?  You've had it for over 2 years and have only picked it up a handful of times!  You don't even remember the three chords you were taught by your little brother!"  Again, the answer that came surprised me...   "You want to learn to play because you tell yourself 'YOU CAN'T,' 'YOU'RE AWFUL,' 'IT'S TOO HARD,' and now you want to prove that you can!"

It then occurred to me that my feeling of being lost was simply due to the fact that I never really allowed myself to discover what I was capable of doing... In essence, I wasn't lost, just undiscovered. My whole life I've been plagued by the "I can'ts."  I would acquiesce to defeat before I even began.  I never tried because I was afraid of failing.   Could this be why I didn’t continue writing?  Could it be that I kept myself from realizing my fullest potential?  Was I a writer?  Was I at all creative? 

SO, HERE IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG...   

1.)  I want to discover what I'm capable of!  I want to discover my hidden creative talents! 

2.)  I want this blog to serve as a diary of my fresh start in sunny San Diego.

 3.)  I want to inspire my fellow "I CAN'TERS" to give into their artistic aspirations (or any aspirations they may have, but are too fearful of pursuing).  I want them to take this journey with me; to share their own experiences in "creating their creativity." 

3.)  I want to be held accountable for breaking the "I can't" cycle.  That is, I want YOU (the readers) to call me out if it appears I'm not following through with what I am about to promise.  

MY PROMISE:

I am making this promise to, well, whoever follows this blog that I, Jessi Davis/new resident of San Diego, California, will attempt, EACH DAY, a different art form.  These will include (but are not limited to) music, painting, photography, sculpting, cooking and, of course, writing.   I promise to blog on a daily basis about these experiences, and will do so in the most forthright manner possible.  Mistakes and successes... I will hold nothing back!

My hope is that, through discovering my hidden talents and breaking the "I can't" cycle, I will discover more about who I am, what I am capable of, and attain a greater sense inner peace and self-assurance.  

Again, I urge YOU to take this journey with me!